Moderator: Welcome, to our third and final debate. We have decided through a coin toss that senator Government, I mean senator Obama will go first. Senator Obama, what can you offer this nation?
Barry: Well, Bob, I can offer this country change. America needs a change in direction. Change is what this country wants, and I can bring it. It may not be good change. In fact, it may not be the change you want. In fact I am pretty sure it will be bad change, but I can bring it. I am an agent of change. I am not senator government, I am senator change.
Moderator: McCain, Response?
John: Well, Bob, senator Government, I mean senator Obama does not offer the change you want. I am the true maverick. In fact, I am such a maverick that I have slapped my own party in the face more than you can count. When my own party was against finance reform, I slapped them in the face. When my own party was against my immigration reform, I slapped them in the face. When my own party says climate change is not caused by humans, I get up and say, "Yes it is because I saw it." And I slap them in the face. If you wanted to run against President Bush, you should have run four years ago, because I am no George Bush. I have reached across party lines and that one senator government I mean Obama has not. I believe in Bipartisanship, and you can take that to the bank. Bipartisanship is very important to me. By Bipartisanship I mean caving into what the Democrats want, and slapping the faces of my Republican friends. I understand Bipartisanship. It means that although everyone tells me I should do it, I will not mention that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were headed by Democrats Chris Dodd and Barney Frank. Instead I will call to the carpet the SEC Chairman Chris Cox because he is a Republican, and I have no problem going after Republicans, but I will not go after Democrats because I need them for bipartisanship.
Moderator: Barack, Now that the Dow has fallen several thousand points, companies are laying people off, banks are failing in droves, corrupt CEOs are running off with taxpayers money, and the economy is in danger of falling into the abyss. Has this altered your plans any?
Barry: Uh Bob, Why would it? Did I not say change? Change is who I am. I want to tax the big dumb rich fat cats who steal our money and give it to the homeless who don't work and who have never had the ambition or sense to go to school and get a job. I believe in the great society. Change is who I am.
Moderator: Senator McCain, How about you? is there anything you would do differently?
John: Well, Ok if I have to - I will put a spending freeze on everything and bailout all those people who could not afford houses so they can stay in their houses. Just think free houses. If we don't have money, don't worry we will print it. If Argentina can do it so can we. If we don't bail out these people who should never have bought a mortgage in the first place, his responsible neighbors house will fall in value, and then he will be mad. They won't be mad because we gave his neighbor a free house, he will be mad because his house fell in value. I am also against pork; I will veto any bill with pork even though the bailout bill I signed was laden with pork.
Barry: You can't put a spending freeze on everything - that means you wouldn't be able to fund your special-needs program. Remember scalpel not hatchet.
John: I can to do it.
Moderator: This campaign has taken on a very negative tone, would you like to respond to that, Senator McCain you first.
John: Well, Bob – Senator Obama has been very nasty to me and it's unfair, I do not like it, please make him stop. Had he done the town hall meetings like I wanted this would have never happened. He has more money than I therefore he has more negative ads and it's just not fair. Anyway, I just want to know what his relationship with Bill Ayers and ACORN are. I really don't want to mention them but everyone who is voting for me wants me to mention them, and I promise even though my Republican friends want me to mention the relationship with Reverend Wright, I will not cross that line, I just want to slap my Republican friends again and show a little bit of bipartisanship and not mention him, because even though Barack spent twenty years in a church that teaches Marxist liberation theology, I fail to understand what that has to do with the issues. And then Congressman Lewis, another Democrat I praised came out and said that I was like those racists in the 60s and George McGovern, doesn't Congressman Lewis understand, "I love him." I love all Democrats, remember bipartisanship.
Barry: Well, I think that John is crying just a little too much, I mean campaigns are tough. So I lied that I wouldn't take public finance reform, and I lied when I said I would do town hall meetings with McCain, but heck everyone is willing to look past all my unsavory relationships, why do you think they will care about me lying to the American people? This is only the beginning of my lies, just wait until I get into office. But at McCain's rallies they have called me "Terrorist" and yelled, "kill him." Yes I know the secret service has denied it, and it is a flat out lie propagated by the media, but I am willing to bet McCain will not call me on it.
Moderator: Well, would each of you tell us what you think of each other's vice president nominee? Senator government I mean Obama you go first.
Barry: Well Bob, she is cute – uh can I say that? I am not going to say she doesn't have enough experience because that might reflect badly on me. I don't have any experience either, but she is only the VP. She has excited her Republican base which is good, and she is cute. Did I say that?
Moderator: Senator McCain
John: I think Senator Biden is a nice decent man – after all, he is a Democrat and I believe in Democrats – Remember I am for bipartisanship. He also has tons of years experience; yes this man is qualified in every way except for one thing. He has been wrong on every foreign policy decision he made. He was against the first gulf war, and he had some cockamamie idea on dividing Iraq up into three different countries. I mean really – How stupid is that!!! But other than that he is a fine decent human being, and if he ever ran for president I would be honored to be his VP.
-Mark, Mark Wake up.
"Oh oh oh, what did I miss?"
Nothing – McCain is talking about Joe the plumber.
A few final thoughts from last night's debate:
- This should have been McCain's first debate as it was his best so far but not good enough.
- He still did not show enough passion.
- Best memorable line, "Yes, Senator Obama, I am not president Bush. If you wanted to run against President Bush, you should have run four years ago.
- McCain still did not go after the Democrats who started this financial mess including ACORN.
- Joe the Plumber – This was a good thematic line on how Barack is for the redistribution of wealth not growing the economy, but McCain bungled the quote. He should have remembered it by heart
"I just want to make sure that everybody that is behind you, that they have a chance for success too. I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody."
It was good the way McCain kept driving this home, a tactic he should have used prior to this debate. The benefactor of this will be, of course, Joe the Plumber – just think of how much free advertising he got in this debate.
Meanwhile, Dow drops another 733 points – psyche!